There are nights (like tonight,) where I lay sleeplessly in bed, crying quietly to myself, because it is all I can do to keep from bursting from the longing and yearning inside me. For my boys and for my future children too…
And although I’ve been extremely blessed to be able to find more purpose in myself and grow in strength lately, these nights still come from time to time.
A year ago, I was in a place where the only thing I believed could get my life “going” again was a new pregnancy and baby. In fact, a year ago (in a few days exactly,) I was finally getting that magical word “pregnant” showing up on a test. Of course, we know that ended very differently than I’d dreamed at the time, but for a number of precious weeks, that was the answer to my wishing and tearful prayers.
Today, I am at a place where I truly feel I am coming to accept the Lords will for my life and am working to find happiness in whatever that is for me.
But here I am, regardless of these mental, emotional and spiritual strides I’ve made, crying due to this longing in my heart, (and probably because of crazy hormones as well, lets be honest.)
I understand them, (my hormones that is.)
I am at an age and a place in my life where the usual direction is to build a family, and my hormones (and opinions/wishes) reflect that. After all, children and the JOY of this earth.
I believe that with a strong conviction.
There is a reason we are told to “be like the little children,” who can find happiness in such small things, can share love with complete strangers, and bring people together so simply.
The most frequent “viral video” content are cute kids doing one thing or another.
Seeing children learn, laugh, dance, cook or even cry just does something inside of you. Or at least it does something inside of me… (my ovaries ache a bit if ya know what I mean (; .)
I believe having a baby is one of the fastest ways to bring a couple together in a way they’d never known possible before. Love is magical in that way- where it existed so strongly between two people that it creates another (or anothers,) and then grows deeper between them all.
Trying to conceive is a tedious journey, and although it would seem self explanatory, the phrase “trying to conceive” denotes very different actions for different people.
For some, they may be “trying” simply by stoping whatever form of birth control that had been in use to let “the powers that be” work.
Others are obsessively marking cycle dates, ovulation tests, basal body temperatures and any other bodily information they can glean in order to have the best chances possible to get that egg fertilized.
And some still are shooting hormones through their body in preparation to extract eggs or implant fertilized eggs in hopes that one will take…
Trying to conceive is a tedious journey, and although different for everyone, it does allow us a better understanding and deeper empathy toward each other.
I’ve been returning to that theme and idea a lot.
Caring for someone else’s feelings.
Someone once said that the greatest trial we’d face as a people in these last days was that there wouldn’t be enough love to go around.
Why is it that love can be so hard to give away sometimes?
Even within our own friendships and families, disagreements or resentments can build up and create a dissonance that prevents true understanding and love. By saying this I by no means think I am exempt from this short coming. In fact, I have chastised myself extensively lately for negative thoughts and feelings I’ve harbored against friends and family. In this modern world, a selfish mindset is fed to us through nearly every channel, so teaching yourself to think selflessly can be an immense challenge. But I believe that change can create the biggest impact in this upside-down world and give love a fighting chance in the lives of those around you.
So, here I am, a year after my miscarriage, and 18 months after the stillbirth of my sons, crying in bed while I wonder what life has in store for me this time.
But most importantly, ready for the challenge, whatever it is.
Because what is life if not a lesson and test? What are these problems and sorrows we go through if not check points in the grand scheme? And what reward is worth having if there is no fight to get to it?
Love, happiness, peace… all these are what I imagine are the “ultimate prize” from life’s tests. To enjoy all of that, and more, with my family and loved ones.
(please enjoy some silly photos of me and a few of my favorite kids ❤ )