It’s one of the most often occurring questions I ask myself these days.
I could be asking why me, why this, why now…
I wonder about a lot of things… In addition to “why,” I often wonder, “what if?”
What if things had been different… What if I could go back and change things…. What if..?
But such questions never actually resolve my hurt or anger so much as feed it. What I really ought to be asking is when?
-When will I know the right timing?
Because that’s all life really boils down to is timing. Thousands of people all with a similar end goal in life- to be happily married with a family and a purpose. So, timing is what really sets those thousand people apart.
-When will the anger turn to trust?
Because if I’m honest with myself, that’s what must happen to really know the right timing. I can’t move on and move forward if I continue to be angry with God and with myself. I have to give in and give my trust back, allow myself to be led rather than sitting by and wishing for a redo.
-When will I be strong enough to share and let myself be helped?
Because the truth is I do need help. I am trying so hard to keep going on my own when I don’t know the first thing about living without my boys.
Being in school again comes with it’s graces as well as it’s challenges. In some ways, being surrounded by people who know very little, if not nothing of my personal life and challenges can be really nice. They don’t look at me knowingly on the bad days when my face betrays my true feelings, and since they don’t know me well enough to know of my problems they also don’t know me well enough to say anything impolite or intrusive on those days as well.
But its awful as well. In complete honesty, one of the hardest things about living without my babies is the fact that no one knows. Not being able to talk about them is so difficult, like my whole year last year didn’t even happen. No one talks about them or asks how they’re doing, although they can’t be doing any differently even if people knew to ask. I can’t talk about them without getting confused looks and exclamations of, “if you have kids, then who’s with them now?” It’s understandable, because the majority of my classmates and peers have no idea what I’m going through and the few who do don’t know what to say or how to broach such a delicate or “sad” topic without making themselves uncomfortable.
My situation makes the bad days worse, and since I’ve never been the best at speaking out what I’m dealing with I even have teachers who are (unknowingly) insensitive to the difficulty I’m working through.
Anyone who’s been through a life altering event like this can attest that at first you’re surrounded by love and support of people who care, but as time passes, there are less and less people concerned with how you’re doing as they move on to other bits of life. That’s how it’s supposed to be, because in reality everyone is dealing with or going through something tough in their own lives, and its everyone’s job as a society member and feeling human to empathize with those hurting.
Those same people could also tell you that although they had lots of support at first, the grieving doesn’t just suddenly get easier one some magical number of months or years have passed. There are highs and lows, and every person processes the intricacies of their own grief differently.
I think it was President Kimball who said, “Every trial you are faced with in this life is necessary for your salvation…” (I’m paraphrasing so please forgive me.) To me this shows that our lives, though not strictly set in one path that is unchangeable, are in some ways predetermined for our own benefit. Although it’s hard for me to accept these days, I believe that we each got to choose to accept these major life events and challenges we go through in this life. We accepted trials knowing the outcome of each one and the blessings we would receive as a result of our faithfulness and willingness.
-When will I be a mother here on earth as well as in heaven?
“Love … is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Yet, it is more than the end of the rainbow. Love is at the beginning also, and from it springs the beauty that arches across the sky on a stormy day. Love is the security for which children weep, the yearning of youth, the adhesive that binds marriage, and the lubricant that prevents devastating friction in the home; it is the peace of old age, the sunlight of hope shining through death. How rich are those who enjoy it in their associations with family, friends, church, and neighbors.” (President Gordon B. Hinkley)
I know one day- one distant day -I will be able to look back on life and know that so much of what I learned and gained came as a result of conceiving, carrying, loving, and relinquishing my first born twins. And somehow I’ll be thankful for it.