Mama, I am so sorry.
There are no words to truly express the grief you likely are experiencing, and no way for anyone to truly understand, even a mama who has faced a similar loss.
These first weeks are the hardest, in many ways. Your shock and grief are at their height and you are at a turning point in life, and can never go back to the bliss of innocence. You will never look at pregnancy, infancy or even any child the same as you now know what an absolute miracle each live birth is.
Surprisingly, there are a couple things that you may one day miss from this time in your life. I know that sounds awful and impossible, but its true. Right now, with your angel so recently passed, you and your baby are on the minds of you friends, family or anyone else in the community who are aware. You are given a wider birth for grieving, and supported with thoughts and actions. This amazing love doesn’t even seem to touch you in the depths of your sadness right now, although it is appreciated for what it is. But it is over too soon. No one else can understand that this pit of grief you’re in isn’t magically over in a month or a year… Later on you will still keenly feel the loss of your baby, when others hardly remember or won’t even know what you’ve gone through.
One other thing you may miss in an oddly bittersweet way is the fresh memory of your perfect baby. As time goes by the memory of their birth and everything that came with it will fade a bit, and there may even be times that it is gone from your mind completely.
Know that you are entitled to remember and uphold the memory of your baby in whatever ways you see fit. There will likely be people in your life who will feel, after a certain time, that you should be “ready to move on,” and may even tell you to, “get over it!”
Mama, ignore them.
They can never know what you’ve been through. They can never fully understand you, they have no right to ask something of you that they likely couldn’t do if they were in your shoes.
I wish there was a perfect thing to tell you at this time, but the truth is that even for those of us who have faced the same tragedy you are drowning in right now, we all experience it a little differently. Words and things that could make one feel valid and comforted may cause another mom to feel even more isolated and grieved.
So take all of this in whatever way you need, or take none of it and face this all how your heart sees fit.
But please know this.
Although this is the most tragic and saddening loss, through this you have joined a group of mothers who can understand a little more than the rest, who will always listen to your memories and thoughts, who will uphold and cherish your baby, and will not be afraid to say their name. You are now an Angel mama.
You may likely face a life of mixed emotions and heightened anxieties. But they come with the blessing of having someone in heaven pulling for you and waiting for you.
Just know this mama, you’re loved and your baby is loved & remembered.