I wanted to put this down here partially for myself, {since APPARENTLY theres this magical thing that makes women FORGET how hard/bad/painful pregnancy and birth are after the fact…..} and partially for friends and family who mean well when they say things, (which I acknowledge and appreciate,) but don’t quite understand…

First of all;

The first trimester….. SUPER DIFFICULT STUFF.

I know that every woman is different and some are lucky to breeze through without too much sickness or soreness, but I am not that woman. And apparently I wasn’t that woman last time even though I was convinced that it was so much easier with the twins. (Warren affectionately informed me that in fact I WAS sick and sore during that pregnancy as well… who knew.)

Every day is a new battle of varying degrees of nausea, cramping, body aches and sores, dry heaving, acid reflux and some other not quite wonderful feelings… The most difficult of which being the thing I know I didn’t really deal with during the boys’ pregnancy…. the Anxiety.

That’s the big challenge one faces with a rainbow pregnancy…. All the what-ifs.

It’s not just the fear of a repeat, of wondering if this baby will suffer the same fate as my sons, but so much more now. Once you go through a loss like that, you bond with other women who’ve faced their own tragedies and your knowledge of “the other side” broadens. Slowly, through building supportive relationships, you also build your own scary “fatal pregnancy story bank,” in your mind… You learn of all the things that can go wrong and that info plagues your days through that next pregnancy.

And here is where my “Second of all” comes in;

What I am marching through each day currently is my hopeful and beautiful rainbow pregnancy, and we are so grateful for it. However, this isn’t yet “my rainbow baby.” We certainly hope this pregnancy is the one that will result in a live and healthy birth after all the struggle and strife, and we LOVE this little one so much regardless of what may come… We just don’t yet have that Rainbow Baby that some have kindly congratulated me on getting… And though I believe these congratulations are given in hope and love themselves, they sometimes cause a bit of extra anxieties and/or a bout of sadness for the unsure ending we are still facing.

The lovely term “expecting,” is often used for those women building a baby… You may notice that I personally could never apply that term to myself. This rainbow pregnancy is a blessing, and a difficult trial at the same time. It is not something we expected, (more on that later,) and the baby I’m growing, whom we anxiously await and love, is also not an expectation I hold. I am pregnant. But I am not expecting. That kind of thinking is a luxury I didn’t miss until it was long gone. I cannot expect any certain ending to these next long months, all I can do is trust in the Lord and move forward in faith.

So, for all you well wishers looking in on this, maybe in the future a congrats on the pregnancy or even the rainbow pregnancy would be lovely and all your prayers and thoughts are surely appreciated, but perhaps shy away from the sometimes seemingly jinxing well wishes on the baby that isn’t yet here.

Published by lynzeef

Angel mom, making lemonade out of life.

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