Last Spring, when I miscarried, I had been so thankful I’d thought to write down so many of my thoughts and feelings concerning the pregnancy. It was wonderful to go back (months later when I’d had the peace of mind,) and see how hopeful and happy I was. Of course I didn’t think it would end the way it did, however I feel now that there must have been a reason {as well as the lesson and life experience gained} for the timing of everything. So, this is why I have decided to write this here; a type of journal through this new journey, no matter how it ends.

{Monday, June 4th 2018}

About 30 minutes ago, I took an HCG test and found out we’re PREGNANT!!!

 

I have been in a state of nervous elation since. Crying tears of joy, as well as running my mind through all that this means for me.

In all honesty, I kinda knew I was pregnant. But because of the long road we’ve been traveling with so many let downs and sorrows, I convinced myself I was just late because my cycle was shifting again… But we’re really and truly PREGNANT.

4 weeks and 1 Day to be precise. (At least according to the “Ovia Pregnancy” app… we’ll find out for real in a few weeks when we get into the Docs for an ultrasound!)

Our little poppyseed has stuck and we are parents AGAIN!

And how fitting that I happened to already be wearing my little rainbow locket I made?

{Tuesday, June 5th 2018}

Worry. Stress.

Wow.

I didn’t realize just how much of a “high” I was on yesterday for the good news. Today, although I am still elated, I am worried and scared too. Every time I have to go to the bathroom I worry I’ll find blood.

And between those (frequent) trips to the restroom, I have other things on my mind.

Finances being the worst stress of them.

I have faith we will get through these stresses through the Lords graces, but in the thick of it things can be hard.

Week 5

(Sunday, June 10th 2015)

It’s been a LONG week.

There are days I’ve had to really keep myself in check not to shout our news from the rooftops! And then there are days when I worry that this pregnancy will slip away too, and then I wonder if I even tell anyone.

I have faith that this time is it, that this baby will be our first LIVING and mortal baby, and we will be an earthly family together here, waiting for the rest of our heavenly family when the time comes.

But that doesn’t stop the fear and sad thoughts from creeping in.

I have been determined to be optimistic and strong through this pregnancy, and thus far I must say I’m impressed with myself. There have been sever cramps, or discharges that immediately send my brain into panic mode that I have to slowly breath through and remind myself that my history is history and today is a gift no matter the outcome.

Its silly to me that it has been less than a week since seeing those two pink lines but in many ways everything is different to me.

Of course, in reality, nothing in our life has truly changed (yet,) as we are both still attending school and work respectively while keeping up with our house. But of course everything FEELS different to me.

It’s crazy how an answered prayer (that we’ve been waiting for for quite some time now,) changes perspective and motivation so dramatically.

Those days when I would normally get really down and feel that nothing is going my way, instead turn into a mellow, happy day because of the little peppercorn inside of me.

It’s also crazy just how much love one can feel for something, (someone,) so small and so new.

Boys- I believe you’re keeping watch over me and this new one, and I thank you for it because goodness knows it would be so very difficult without your grace and love ā¤

(Tuesday, June 12th 2018)

By now a number of people know about our little rainbow…

I sent out a cute little announcement to my family in Texas and prepared another one for my side of the family (all over from New York to Utah…)

 

(Thursday, June 14th 2018)

Today has been tough.

I went to school as I normally do in the morning, but I haven’t been feeling so great so by the time I got home for lunch I was pretty sick. So, I did something I rarely do and called in for the rest of the day. Morning sickness is funny like that where it comes and goes and just makes things icky. But today is more than just that ickiness, but my anxiety levels are pretty up there as well. All in all, its a good day for naps and snacks.

Which reminds me, I left my cheese stick on the table. One minute.

I’m back.

So, being at home feels a little odd since these days I am almost ALWAYS at school unless its a Monday, in which case I am running errands and trying to get life in order so I can be at school again for the rest of the week. That leaves me a little at a loss on what to do with myself (other than the obvious; naps and snacks.) So Blogging it is. And probably some leisure reading. You know me.

Two days ago, I went down to Target and bought a few things for baby. And there are people who probably think that’s crazy, and I understand them. I am not even 6 weeks into this pregnancy yet, and my last two didn’t produce a living child so why do I go out and spend money on things that “may never be used.”

You’re right. To a point.

But if I can’t be faithful and HOPE that this pregnancy is going to be the one that finally results in our first earthly child, then what good is my rainbow at all?

So, I bought some cute rainbow outfits and a little onesie for Father’s Day coming up that reads, “I love my daddy and naps” in rainbow colors.

IMG_4051

I think Warren will like it, although I do get the feeling that he is more stressed and worried about this pregnancy (at this point) than excited.

Don’t get me wrong; he and I are both OVERJOYED to finally be pregnant again. It’s just that as the months of trying went by without a conception, we got to the point where we thought it just wouldn’t happen until we had the time and money to get some fertility help. Thats why I started Beauty School when I did, and perhaps why the timing of this is a little surprising and stressful for Warren.

But if there’s one thing I’ve learned in the last three years it is that the Lord’s timing is superior to whatever plans or ideas you have. He knows what He’s doing, and all I have to do is trust in Him.

And I am being judged for the timing of it… Like I was able to choose when I finally fell pregnant, and thought lengthening my beauty school time would be ideal. It isn’t ideal. But life isn’t always ideal, or even close at times, and we’ll make the best of the unexpected timing.

I don’t know why we are just now getting our rainbow we have wanted and waited for for so long now. But I am putting my faith in God and moving forward one day at a time.

(Saturday, June 16 2018)

Today is my half-birthday!

And Tomorrow is Fathers Day!!

Each day that goes by is another day of wishing I had the guts to share this pregnancy with the world. And each time I want to tell, I convince myself not to because of our miscarriage last year.

That’s one way that that pregnancy loss has changed me that my sons’ pregnancy didn’t. This fear and delicate feeling in these early weeks is something I didn’t know before last April.

As this next week approaches, there are even more anxieties riddling my brain as this was the gestational timing that we lost our last pregnancy at. I am reassured by the fact that I am still feeling pretty sick now and again, so the hormones must be raging still, as well as that it was at the end of this last week that the first signs of miscarriage came before, and I have had no such issues or worries this time.

But that doesn’t rid the anxiety that plagues my mind.

So, I push through day to day, and pray to remind the Lord that my faith is in Him and I will trust and love Him through whatever His plan is.

(Monday, June 25th 2018)

Secret parts of me wonders and hopes for more than one baby again… The likelihood is near zero, but I would love multiples again… And I do dream about three little kids sometimes. But then I think of the two boys up in heaven playing with the little girl coming down to us and think, “ah, thats what those dreams must be.”

No, I still haven’t gotten in to the Doctor’s office… I still have a little lump of debt from last years miscarriage care that is preventing me from being able to go in…

And because of this I have crazy speculations and worries all the time. Like if there’s more than one little one in there… Or that perhaps I’m farther along than I guessed I am…

Until that first ultrasound, I will speculate and just keep praying.

(Saturday, June 30th 2018)

I got my first ultrasound.

And promptly shared the news because I was so happy and relieved (obviously…)

I think I will share this one now… and from now on out I will start a new post for “bump-dates” (see what I did there…) šŸ˜‰

Thank you all for your love, support and prayers. They’re felt and so so needed.

Published by lynzeef

Angel mom, making lemonade out of life.

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