Trying to conceive can be a crazy journey for many couples. Some have the issue of infertility, some struggle with learning a new life after a loss, and some are lucky enough to conceive without much thought at all.
So, each month when the day finally comes that you can test to see if you’ve finally gotten an baby to stick, the negative can be a big let down.
In some silly ways, seeing that negative can feel like loosing another baby all over again. Gone before you could even begin building their little body. But not before you’d made hopeful plans and irrational dreams of the life this little one might have led.
That negative can make it feel like the next week of bleeding will last an eternity, and your chance to try again will never really come.
The single little pink line can make you feel completely alone.
And even crazier still, the let down of your hopes can bring back a world of pain from the “actual” missing children in your life.
Finding out that this month again came up with no rainbow had a lot of these feelings for me. But most potently was the last.
I am constantly missing my sons. There isn’t a day that goes by without my wishing and wondering how life might be with them here with me. Especially with the recent one year mark I reached, there have been many moments when my breath catches and my heart throbs.
The longer I live without them here, the further my life takes me from where I was when they were here. More and more people I meet these days may never know of my sons in heaven. The longer it has been since my pregnancy and delivery, the less I find myself readily volunteering my input in conversations about my experience.
Seeing the little ones around me growing and learning, compared to where my sons may be now. Or the pregnant women who grow closer to their due dates and prepare to bring home a living, breathing baby, while thinking how far along I’d be now… These things are just a couple of the triggers that are unavoidable in the life of a Pregnancy Loss momma.
The negative gave me one other thing to.
After all the disappointment and grieving over again, I was able to realize just how blessed I am.
I have two amazing little angels working for me on the other side. And more than one waiting to come down to me.
I have an amazing husband and a wonderful life with him. I love our little home and the time we have together to create the habits and lifestyles we wish to take with us through our life.
I have a good job where I get to be around and nurture three little boys.
And I have a loving Lord who knows just what I need when I need it, who proved this to me, yet again, this Sunday by issuing me the perfect calling at the perfect time that will also give me time around His precious children.
Although the nature of this post is irregular, and you don’t find many women now-a-days sharing they’re TTC (Trying to conceive) stories, I felt compelled to share this piece of my life for those women who can benefit with knowing they aren’t alone in their struggles.