It isn’t always clear to me what I should write about week to week. That makes it easy for me to skip weeks… without a clear topic to hash out, why do I write at all. Except that I started this with the intent of helping myself through emotions, and sometimes they’re unclear- so what better time to write than when I’m not actually sure what it is I’m really feeling. So I’m sorry for the lack of a “real” post, but here are a few thoughts to make it up for today.
In living “normal life” these last months, it’s become clear to me just how much of my life is different than before.
No matter how much time goes by, my life has permanently changed because of my angels. It’s almost funny really, because if they were here with me my life would be completely different than it is now, or ever was before, but even just the short months I had with them changed my life forever. Not only that my life is different, but just that I’m different. My priorities are different, I have more experiences to pull from, I feel more deeply about certain things and have a different perspective all together. A more eternal perspective, I believe.
People say that time eases some of the pain of loosing someone, and although I can agree in some terms, what I really think it is is experience helps ease the ache in some small ways. Giving myself time for grieving, while life whizzes by, and seeing the sadness others are also called to endure shows me a little bit of how its all just a part of the big picture.
To those still in deep, recent loss and overwhelming grieving does pass, as wrong as that may seem at this time. No that doesn’t mean you will forget your loved ones, or that you will stop missing them, and imagining what life could be like with them still here. Because there will still be a part of every day in which you imagine life as it would be with those important bits of your life still here, but the day will come in which the ache is a little less and the darkness lifts ever so slightly. Breathing becomes even just a little easier, and something somehow makes you smile and remember what you have to look forward to.
Although I couldn’t believe it for the longest time, there are things I have become thankful for, resulting from my life’s tragedy. I am so grateful for the perspective I have gained as a result. The vast majority of newly married women my age you’ll meet don’t have the same priorities or opinions as I do, and I believe a lot of how I feel about the world is because of my experience. I am so grateful for my sons, and that I have the opportunity to have more children in this life, and be together with all of them, and my little angels one day.
It’s these kind of trials of life that define who we become. One day someone you meet will hear your story and wonder how such a strong and successful person emerged from such circumstances as that. Push on, and inspire your future self, and your angels- whoever they be.