Rainbow Journal-

Week 3 Day 2; (Sunday March 26th)

  • This morning we got our positive pregnancy test. I woke up before Warren and had to use the bathroom… but I didn’t want to because I wanted to test but it was technically still a few days before my period would begin so the chances of a negative were high…. I finally decided just to do it anyway and two minutes later I was standing in my bathroom looking down at the magical word “pregnant” on my clearblue test. I was elated… and then heard Warren wake up and go downstairs…. I called to him and asked if he was dressed (he wasn’t, and didn’t want to get dressed for nothing,) so instead of videoing his reaction like I originally wanted to, I just showed him the test. He squeeled (in a manly way?) and we hugged and kissed. It was an exciting morning for us to say the least.

After finding out and sharing the news with Warren, we went down to the kitchen to start breakfast and called his mom. She was very happy for us too, and said it was an answer to prayers! Through out the day we shared the news with family and close friends who knew we were trying again. It was a happy day all around. Also I took a nap (on accident) after watching the women’s conference that I missed on Saturday.

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So far, my biggest suspicion was the fatigue. More than normal I’d find myself wishing for a nap, or wake up from a accidental rest… and just the day before, I went to the grocery store and had to suppress the strangest urges for food I wanted to buy and eat right then and there! (And if I’m being honest, I didn’t resist all the urges… just most of the more strange ones…)

There is worry, and some anxiety that comes with the pregnancy, amidst the excitement. The rain is still falling, although the sunlight is peeping through the clouds.

 

Week 4 Day 5; (Tuesday, April 4th)

I went to the Doctors office the day after getting that home pregnancy test to confirm my pregnancy and set my first appointment- April 25th, I can’t wait for you. I’ve taken all of the good and bad with a grateful heart, taking the sickness and food aversion as a sign that the pregnancy is producing all of the hormones and reactions necessary to be on track. I’ve nicknamed the little bean inside me Hope as a reminder of what we have right now.

I’ve definitely noticed pregnancy symptoms. The fatigue and food aversions I mentioned already, but I’ve also been crazy hormonal and had some crazy mood swings these last weeks. I notice it especially when something that normally just bugs me a little instead makes me completely crazy.

Week 5 Day 5; (April 11th)

I have decided to announce my pregnancy this weekend for Easter. It is already a central part of my life, and I don’t see why I shouldn’t let it be public as well. I bought some craft supplies and white onesies at the store to make up a cute “rainbow” announcement.

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I’ve been feeling quite sick from time to time, which is actually reassuring. Even though I’d never want to admit it, I am worried everyday that I’ll miscarry because of one thing or another, and am relieved each morning when there’s no bleeding in sight.

–Today I got a scare. We still don’t really know what it means… I was dancing around with Lindy and Warren when I felt a little wet, so I went to the bathroom and found I had some brown old-blood-looking discharge… It scared me. After company left, I hopped in the bath to try and calm myself and chatted with Warren. We are unsure what this means, and are preparing for the worst, but hopeful still.- As I dried myself off and sat on the bed to apply my stretch mark lotion, I stood to find more brownish discharge. The nightmare is not over, and we will have to just wait and see what this means for us.

Week 5 Day 6; (April 12th)

I called the nurse to ask what could be happening. The hardest part of this is that the bleeding is “all within the realm of normal,” in a healthy pregnancy. It is also “a typical sign of a miscarriage.”

The brown color is apparently a good sign, meaning it isn’t fresh new blood, but we don’t know what will happen.

–Later…

The blood is thinner and redder now. I am so scared to loose this pregnancy that has already brought me so much hope.

Week 6 (April 13th)

More red blood. Not enough to fill a pad, but constant enough to need liners.

More worry, and regret that I am not far enough along to be able to see a baby if I went to check on an ultrasound.

Week 6 Day 2 (April 14th)

I went in for an ultrasound anyway.

No baby seen.

Which could just mean I went in too early to see anything… but…

More bleeding.

I also got my blood taken so they can check hCG levels. Now we wait. And bleed.

I have to wear a pad now.

–Later…

The blood is coming thicker and redder even still. It’s painful. I have taken a few baths just this afternoon to cope. I don’t want to take anything that could harm a pregnancy, but know that I have little to hang my hope on now.

I passed a giant blood clot this evening.

The only think I can think is-

Goodbye baby.

April 15th

Got the call from the office this morning. hCG dropped significantly. Miscarriage is official.

I feel empty.

What about my rainbow?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

June 9th- No weeks, no prospects.

I find myself looking back every once in a while remembering I would have been pregnant still if things had been different. I also remember how pregnant I was just a year ago.

I can’t even remember how far along I’d have been without going back to count. That hurts me sometimes, like I wasn’t attached enough to my baby to keep track. But I purposely deleted my calendar reminders and pregnancy apps so that I could separate myself from the constant reminder.

I don’t need to be reminded. I feel the ache and emptiness every day. Every moment really. My empty arms ache as my bump-less belly does.

Life leads you along in ways you’d never guess.

Where as months ago all I wanted was that positive pregnancy test to give my life meaning and a purpose again, I now don’t know when I will be ready to face that possibility without too much stress and anxiety for a healthy pregnancy.

I cannot count on a rainbow until that baby is “safe” in my arms, living and breathing. And even then I know I will worry every moment.

What I do know is that I have to learn to be happy with my life now, as it is, before I can prepare to put myself through another pregnancy. And that, my friends, is harder than it should be.

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We all can learn to give everyone around you a little space- give them the benefit of the doubt, because everyone is fighting some battle- even if it is unknown to you. And we can all use that kindness, and a little more hope.

Published by lynzeef

Angel mom, making lemonade out of life.

Join the Conversation

1 Comment

  1. I’m so sorry. We lost our son at 39 weeks in October, then just lost a baby at 15 weeks about a month ago. It’s honestly the worst thing. And how do we prepare ourselves for a third pregnancy? How do we go forward knowing that there is literally no safe zone? Nobody says you have to be happy, I hope you know that. Being happy is hard. And terrifying. You can be not okay for as long as you want. I can’t tell you that everything will be okay, or that everything will work out, because as you and I both know, life can be really really sucky and unfair. Keep moving forward, mama. You never have to move on, but look toward each day with as much hope as you can. Your little rainbow baby of Hope let you know that it is possible to have some happiness after the worst possible thing in your life. Something, sometime, will show you that again.

    Liked by 1 person

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