A year ago- I was pregnant, though I didn’t know it at the time.
Nor did I know that I would be having twins, or even that my time with those precious souls would be so short.
It’s been 4 months since their silent birth. Four months since the time I carried them with me everywhere. Four months since the worst-and best- day of my life.
Grief often comes in waves. It ebbs and flows, here a little then a lot. It never really leaves you, and you never want it to. There’s no pretty progression chart to follow and no “full recovery” to find at the end of a tunnel. It’s more like a forest with no clear pathway that each person makes their own way through, coming to darker or brighter patches in their own times.
There are some times that it will hit suddenly with no obvious reason. I may be cleaning my kitchen normally one minute and the next my breath is taken away by the crushing pain in my chest.
It’s in-explainable and unimaginable, living without something, someone, you though you’d have for a lifetime.
“I don’t know how to exist in a world where [they] are not.”
This journey through the woods… it’s not about knowing how to proceed or where to turn, it’s about the growing you do and the bright spots you come to. It’s about who is there by your side, believing in your ability to make it through, and those who are out of the woods, waiting for you to join them.
We are given th most amazing, and perfectly planned, support systems called family. We are all given trials to test and strengthen our faith and character, but we are not alone- we are blessed with hubands, parents, siblings, and friends to help support and guide us through. Our Brother and savior is by our side, and is the only one who has experienced and felt exactly what you are going through.
For me, and for many, the “woods” is grief, and the difficulties that accompany that journey. The darkness is missing them and wishing for them and the life you had together… but everyone is going through their own wood, their own trials, in one way or another.
I’ve been blessed to come into contact with many generous people especially since my loss. The type of people who wish that a gift they give you can take away the pain of missing them. And I am so thankful for those gifts and the people who thought to help me in what way they could, which makes me think… what kind of world would it be if everyone treated each other like that all the time? Like each person was going through something hard and just needed a little extra love. We all could use a little extra love. Giving away extra love doesn’t mean there’s less for the ones closest to you, because love is like the most infectious disease, the more it’s given out the greater love there is in the world…. resulting in even more love received by yourself.
This love thing…. it’s truly amazing and honestly what I think has gotten me through the hard parts in life, especially recently. There are times I feel all alone and everything seems to work against me, but just sitting down with Warren after a long day can put perspective to my day.
So that’s my challenge this week- love. Give a little more, even if all you give is a smile or a greeting… people and positive, loving interactions are the most wholesome medicine for almost any ailment.