This last week was my first back at school.
First days are usually associated with excitement and anticipation, looked forward to. I, however, have been dreading this week for a while now. Going back to school feels like “moving on,” so to speak, from something I can never actually be apart from. Going back to normal life, college classes, and silly drama is backwards to me. Going back to a major I though I’d have to leave behind for my kids, that I turns out I can continue in. Leaving my empty “grivig time” and “doing something” again…
But I did it. I came back to classes, which are kicking my butt a lot of the time. This first week was particularly hard though… There is this odd thing with any tragedy that occurs, which is that every time the effected person has to tell someone else what happened- they themselves are forced to realize again the reality-and pain-of that tragedy.
I came back to school, and into classes, with people who last saw me carrying around 60 extra pounds in my belly and expect me to be gone, busy with two little boys at home. People who all look at me a little confused after asking how my babies are. People who im forced to watch as they learn of my own life’s tragedy, then move on with their lives- untroubled with something so insignificant to their lives. Oh, people are kind (usually) don’t g t me wrong, it’s just that I then watch as their happy life moves on without missing their purpose or drive.
I don’t think they know that the girl who was in their class last spring isn’t me. They don’t know the person I’ve become. They don’t know what it’s like to loose what you love for. They don’t just how much that can change a person.
One day, sadly, some of them may know that journey. Maybe some will even think back to “that girl” who was in a class with them after loosing her children. I wish that my going through it could prevent my friends and family from ever having to know that pain. That’s not how life works. We each go through things, often completely different from one another. And we each have to carry on.
Yesterday, my Eternal Families teacher said to us, “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you choose to react to it.” I have chosen, and given my all, to learning all I can from my circumstance and sharing with others so that they don’t have to experience the pain I’ve felt in order to learn the lessons I’ve learned.
I’ll be straight with you– many of my days are still difficult. I struggle to find meaning and motivation. But I have still chosen to strive for the best outcome I can. (No outcome from this experience can be considered perfect, that’s not in the plans for me until the eternities…) I’ve been given one of the strongest, kindest, and most patient of men to help me through this time in my life, as well as family and friends who support me. Although it’s been hard, I also have dance in my days to express feelings and relearn things about myself.
It hurts me to be “just a student’ again. Life is not meant to move backwards. But with this opportunity I can better prepare myself to mother the children we will have after this.
That’s my challenge this week- find your but. Everyone has demons, and everyone chooses how they deal with them. If you can find your “but” you will see the parts of life you are gaining from the ripple of your challenges.