As some could guess, holidays are hard for angel’s mommies.
I see so many pictures and updates of all of my friends babies who are close to the age my sons would be now. They’re all growing fast, they all have their parents 100% attention and affection 100% of the time, and they’re all (of course) alive.
It hurts, that’s true enough, and I hate that it does. I don’t want to hurt when I see cute little ones. I don’t want those new mothers to look at me and wonder if I hate them, which I never could. I could never hate someone for their blessing. A blessing I have been deprived of. What I am, and not proud of, is envious. I am jealous of the way their whole world is consumed by the tiny miracle they brought into the world. I’m jealous of the milestones, jealous of the “firsts,” and of the life they are blessed with.
And through all of it, you know what I’ve realized?
— I’m tired.
I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of wishing. I’m tired of wanting.
Do I think that because I’m tired of it all that it will end? No, not for a second.
But, I do believe I have power over how the grieving effects me.
I don’t have to be tired. I don’t have to cry all the time or go through life moping.
I am learning to be energetic. I am learning to have hope. I am learning not to be scared of moving forward. I am learning that they will always be mine, even when I do go on with a life they are not in.
I hate it in a lot of ways. It is harder than anything I’ve done- living a life I never planed on having back. The “newly wed” phase back, and nobody to worry about but myself and my husband. I have been scared out of my mind about the prospect of going back to full time school in January. I shouldn’t be able to do that. I have had to drag myself to gatherings and missionary reunions because I never planed on going without two carseats and a lot of hassle. The life I lead now is a life I WANTED to leave behind. Many mothers look back and say they never appreciated the control and freedom they had. I gave that up. And God gave it back.
I’ve put all my trust in God and will proceed in life whatever way He leads.
That’s one big thing I’ve had to learn over and over, because I thought I’d put my full trust in the Lord a year ago with my marriage and timing of everything. But I’m still a planner and I still tried to control some uncontrollable aspects of my life. And so, the Lord is still teaching me trust. Teaching me that His plan is always superior to whatever I’d planned.
It is true, that time alone can heal. Although I don’t believe “healing” is what is happening. It is more like learning to live with part of my heart gone from this earth.
I do trust that, one day, I will have living children to care for. That day couldn’t come fast enough. I do trust that my perfect missionary pair, my little angels, were needed for some amazing cause and I will one day be proud of the decision I made to live without them for a time to be able to be with them for eternity. Most of all I hope, and trust, that this pain I feel will only be “but a moment” in the grand scheme.
I challenge you to trust a little more. In all of our lives there is something that seems out of our hands, something that has big effect on the rest of our lives… Trust that the Lord will direct you onto the path you need to be traveling.